


Wish You Were Here

by PanicFOB



Series: Wish You Were Here [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Anxiety, Depressed Bucky Barnes, F/M, Ignores IW and EG, POV Alternating, POV Second Person, Song Lyrics, pink floyd - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-20
Updated: 2019-08-09
Packaged: 2020-07-09 12:26:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 20,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19887808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PanicFOB/pseuds/PanicFOB
Summary: Bucky Barnes has worked with the Avengers for two years now, and he hides his depression from the entire team. You come into his life when he needs it the most, and you show him how to express his emotions without fear of rejection. Inspired by the lyrics of Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd.





	1. So, so you think you can tell heaven from hell?

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever Marvel fic, but I love this song by Pink Floyd, and it makes me think of Bucky every time I listen to it. I finally felt the need to write a fic for this song. I have two chapters written, but I don't have the whole thing planned out in its entirety, so be patient with me. I hope you enjoy, and please be nice in the comments. Also, I feel the need to say that this will have a happy ending. I hate getting invested in a fic and then having my heart ripped out at the very end.

It had been two years since his rehabilitation in Wakanda, two years since he made peace with Stark, two years since he became an official Avenger. It had been a year and eleven months since Bucky had been hopeful, since he had been optimistic, since he had been at peace. Wakanda had helped him a lot. He got his sense of self back. Shuri had fixed his fucked-up brain with her wonderful science, and he had lived in peace in the Wakandan countryside for a while. Bucky knew Wakanda was not his permanent home, but he felt welcome there. The children and the lands and even the stupid goats made him, for the first time in 70 years, excited for his future. So, when Steve came back with the news that Tony was willing to forgive and forget under certain conditions, Bucky gave a genuine smile and gladly returned to New York with his best friend. His life was making a wonderful turn for a bright tomorrow. Bucky had hope.  
Things were difficult with Tony at first, but Bucky was determined to show him how guilty he felt about what had happened to Tony’s parents. He trained constantly for missions, wanting to prove his worth to the team. He made a constant effort to act friendly toward everyone in the compound, not wanting to remind anyone of his Winter Soldier persona. All this work seemed great for Bucky at first; it gave him purpose. After a month, though, it became exhausting. It suddenly felt like his optimism and determination were false, a façade he had put up in order for these people to accept him. It was not that he disliked any of the team; he just worried that if he let his happy act slip, they would see it as a regression back to how he used to be, back to the Winter Soldier. So, Bucky pretended to be happy during training, during mealtimes, during cocktail parties, during meetings, and even during missions. None of his teammates suspected a damn thing. If there was one thing he was good at, it was hiding his true emotions.  
Steve was the most optimistic person Bucky had ever met, had been since before the war. No matter what shit cards life drew for Steve Rogers, he faced it head-on without letting any darkness consume him. He always did what was right in the most selfless of ways, and he didn’t let the heaviness of Avenger’s missions weigh him down when he went to bed at night. Steve led the team with ease, hung up his shield at the end of the day, and went out for drinks with Sam and Bucky. But while Bucky sipped his vodka with a stiff smile, Steve chatted up a girl at the bar with an effortless grin. Sam played darts in the corner, teaching some girl how to properly throw, while Bucky contemplated how to not act like a depressed bastard and have some fun at this bar.  
He got up before either of the guys could notice him moping and decided to join Sam at the dartboard. The pretty lady had disappeared, so he figured it safe to approach. “Hey man, wanna play a round?” Sam inquired with a slight slur to his speech. Wilson was always the first to get plastered on these nights out. “Sure,” Bucky answered with that fake smile he had gotten oh so good at. “No luck with that girl that was here earlier?” he asked Sam, worried that he might have been interrupting something if she had planned on coming back. “Nah, turns out she just genuinely wanted to learn how to play darts… and she has a boyfriend,” he said with a frown. Bucky knew that Sam would bounce back from it within an hour though. He didn’t get too hurt by any girl turning him down, saying that rejection is an important part of life. “How about you, Winter Smolder? Talk to any cute girls back at the table?” Bucky groaned at that stupid nickname Sam had given him. He hated it both because it reminded him of his days under Hydra’s thumb and because it sounded ridiculous. His cheeks turned bright red anytime Sam called him that in front of the team or anyone else for that matter. The team always laughed, and even Steve found it hard not to chuckle at the damn nickname.  
“I wasn’t really looking for anyone to talk to,” Bucky replied with a shrug and a nonchalant look on his face. Sam looked exasperated at this. “Come on, man! You’ve set a world record for the amount of time a guy has gone without getting laid. You need to talk up some beautiful babe at the bar, like Steve is doing, go home with her, and blow off some steam.”  
Bucky threw a dart at the board, rolled his eyes, and said, “I don’t have any steam to blow off, Wilson. I’m all healed, remember? I’ve been perfectly happy since I got back from Wakanda. I don’t need a one night stand to fix me because I’m no longer broken.” Sam gave him an incredulous stare. “I didn’t say shit about you being broken, Barnes. I’m just saying every guy has needs, and you’ve been ignoring yours for a very very long time. It ain’t healthy.”  
“What ain’t healthy?” Steve said from behind them. They turned to see him standing with his arm wrapped around a short woman with wavy brunette hair. She giggled as she stared up at Steve’s face. “Wilson’s obsessive interest in my love life,” Bucky said smoothly. Steve chuckled, “Well I think me and the lady are gonna head out. I’ll see you guys tomorrow.” Sam and Bucky offered their goodbyes, and Steve led her out of the bar. Soon after that, Sam was already on his rebound girl, and Bucky left the bar, slipping silently into the night. Only in the darkness of the empty streets on his walk back to the compound did he allow his friendly face to fade. His light smile slipped into a grimace. His eyebrows furrowed. He let out a heavy sigh.  
Once the security of his lonely bedroom embraced him, Bucky lay on his bed for hours, staring blankly at the ceiling, wondering. Wondering why no matter how hard he tried, he did not belong in this place. Wondering why this world kept giving him good things that he didn’t deserve because he could never feel any real happiness. Wondering where all his hope had gone. Wondering if living in a compound full of strong, honest, and selfless friends could be classified as heaven, or if it was his own personal hell.


	2. Blue skies from pain?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm posting these first two back-to-back, but I have no more chapters pre-written after this. Hopefully, I'll have more to post soon if this fic is well-liked. Hope you enjoy, and please be nice in the comments!

You were running, running over a concrete bridge crossing a large river in upstate New York. Although it appeared nothing was behind you, inside there were many things you were running from. You were running from your family, from your job, from your anxiety, from yourself. It was your favorite form a therapy: a morning run. Every morning you crossed the same bridge, keeping a decent pace as Pink Floyd blasted through your earbuds. You let yourself feel all the stress of your life, all the things that caused you frustration, and then you ran from it. And once you were done running from it, once you properly escaped it, you returned home and let real life envelope you once again.   
You liked your life most of the time. You loved your family, yet each member annoyed you in their own little ways. You worked at a great job, yet your anxiety made it difficult to manage sometimes. You were truly happy, as long as you could escape it all each morning. This morning was no different. You sped up a bit as the music intensified and the current of the river grew chaotic below you. You were running, and then you were flying, and then you were falling. You rolled over onto your back, looking up at the beautiful clear blue sky, and all you felt was excruciating pain.   
“Jesus! Are you okay?” a man’s voice said from somewhere near your feet. You tried to raise up on your hands, but you yelped in pain as soon as you pushed them against the concrete. “Here, let me help you,” he said as he bent down and gently grabbed your elbow, pulling you off the ground with ease. You are absolutely mortified at your clumsiness. You must have tripped on the uneven spot in the concrete that you were normally so careful to avoid, and because you had been running so quickly, you quite literally flew through the air and slid across the concrete. The skin was almost completely ripped off both your palms and knees. Your phone and headphones had disappeared.   
Now standing, you looked up at the tall man that had come to your assistance. He had long, dark hair and the most piercing blue eyes, and you could hardly breathe as you watched him stand there with the perfect blue sky and the sun shining behind him. He had a great look of concern across his face. “I’m fine,” you assured him. “You’re bleeding…. A lot.” You looked down just as your brain became aware of the sticky, hot liquid running down your calves and into your shoes. You went to rub the back of your neck with your right hand, but then hissed as the damaged skin of your palm made contact with your sweaty neck. The man’s concern only grew stronger. “I swear to you I am fine. My car isn’t far from here, and I can walk back and bandage myself up at home.”   
He was silent for a moment, and then he started to remove his gloves. You had been so distracted by your pain that you hadn’t noticed how strange this man was dressed for a jog. He wore shorts, but a long sleeve shirt and gloves. It was summertime. As his left glove came off, your eyebrows raised up to your hairline. He had a metal arm. Finally he said, “The Avenger’s compound isn’t far from here. I’ll take you there in your car so that you don’t have to drive like that. We have a med bay that can get you fixed up.”  
Your brain was having a hard time working. “The… the Avengers?... Wait! You’re Sergeant Barnes!” You uttered with an embarrassing amount of excitement. He laughed as your cheeks turned red. “Yeah, just Bucky is fine. Come on, let’s get you to the compound.” You found your phone a few feet away with a cracked screen. You let out a frustrated noise at your own clumsiness. Once you stuck it back in your pocket, Bucky draped your left arm over his right shoulder and helped you limp back to your car. “My name is Y/N by the way.”   
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Y/N.” He said with a genuine smile as he placed you in your passenger seat. Bucky barely fit in your compact car, which amused you greatly, but you decided to keep it to yourself. You pulled up at the compound only four minutes later, and Bucky ran around to your side to gingerly help you out of the car. As Bucky guided you through the entrance into some sort of common area, questions and surprised gasps instantly filled the air.   
“Who’s this, Buck?” a man you were pretty sure was Captain America asked in a firm tone.  
“Fuck, what’d you do to her legs Barnes?” a man who looked suspiciously like Hawkeye asked.  
“Me?! I didn’t do anything to her legs, man,” Bucky already looked exasperated.  
“Were you guys attacked?” The Scarlett Witch questioned.   
“What? No!” Bucky said quickly. You weren’t sure why he seemed unable to explain the situation to his close friends. It wasn’t as if he had done anything wrong, but he seemed regretful and defensive.   
“Winter Smolder, you finally brought a girl home to meet the parents. I’m so proud of you,” the Falcon said with a mocking grin. Bucky looked absolutely miserable at that remark, so you knew you had to intervene. You held your hand up in the universal sign for stop and said, “Please hold all comments or questions.” The room full of Avengers raised their eyebrows at you. “I embarrassed myself spectacularly by tripping during my morning jog just a few minutes away from here. Bucky came to my rescue and offered to bring me to the med bay you have here. End of story.” You turned to Bucky who had a small smile forming on his lips. “Now where’s this med bay you speak of? I’m still bleeding quite a bit here.” He motioned for you to follow him, leaving his friends without another word.


	3. Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the kudos and the comment! It really motivates me to write more when I know at least a few people are reading and enjoying this story. I hope this third chapter doesn't disappoint, and I should have the fourth chapter up today as well.

Bucky was an idiot. It had been a week since he had met Y/N, and he hadn’t thought to ask for her number. She seemed very friendly, like someone Bucky really wanted to get to know, but he had no way of contacting her. One of the medics at the compound had stitched and bandaged her within thirty minutes; Y/N had made small talk with Bucky, thanked him for his kindness profusely, and then insisted she was fine to get herself home. Bucky’s stupid body stood there silently watching her go as his stupid mouth remained silent, ignoring his brain that said ask for her number.  
Now, Bucky needed to see her again. It seemed that she might be someone he could open up to, someone that wouldn’t be constantly searching for the dark soldier within to appear. He had been able to show concern in front of her when she fell, which was already an improvement from the one emotion he ever showed around the Avengers: fake happiness. Bucky thought there was a good chance that Y/N might run the same path each day; so, after a week of curiosity for this woman he hardly knew, Bucky decided to do something possibly a bit creepy and make a point to jog in the same area that he had watched her fall.   
He slipped on his trainers and went to the common kitchen to grab some water. Steve was standing at the bar eating an apple. “You going for a run? Want me to join?” Steve asked with an eager smile. Bucky contemplated for a moment. He always liked spending time with Steve, but he never felt like he could truly express himself to the man, even though they had been best friends for nearly their whole lives. He didn’t want to have to put on an act during his jog, and if he ran into Y/N again, he wanted to speak with her without Steve there. Bucky smiled at Steve. “No, that’s okay, man. Wilson would be pissed if I stole his running buddy, and I kind of just want some peace and quiet this morning.”  
“Oh, of course,” Steve replied with a strange look in his eyes. It was a look that said he knew something that Bucky didn’t. Bucky wondered if he still suspected that Y/N had been more than a stranger to Bucky. The team had asked him a few more questions after the woman had gone home that day, but Bucky had told them the full truth: everything had happened exactly as Y/N had explained it, and there hadn’t been anything more to it. They let it go after Wilson scolded him for not getting the gorgeous woman’s phone number. Bucky shrugged it off and didn’t mention her again.   
He exited the compound and began his workout, making it to that fateful bridge over the river in only ten minutes. There were no other souls around. He decided to keep following the trail, hoping beyond hope that she might be around somewhere. He wove through a forest, and after another fifteen minutes, he emerged into a clearing. Amidst the large green field that was divided by a rusty set of railway tracks, Y/N was lounging in the grass with a brilliant smile on her face. Bucky didn’t want to startle her, so he cleared his throat and said, “Hey, how are your hands and knees?” She turned to look at him with eyebrows raised, clearly not expecting to ever see him again. “They’re better, yeah. Might have some nasty scars though. Thanks again for your help.”  
“Please stop thanking me,” he said as he walked toward her and sat down. “I really didn’t do much.”  
She rolled her Y/E/C eyes at him. “Well you didn’t just continue jogging past me for starters, which is what at least half of the population would have done. You didn’t laugh at me, and you didn’t let me try to drive home like that. So I’ll say thank you again, and I’ll continue to say it as much as I damn well please, Bucky,” she finished with a smirk.  
He raised his eyebrows at her and chuckled. “My apologies for trying to order you around, miss. It will never happen again.”  
She looked away from him, looking out across the field instead, but the smirk remained as she said, “Don’t say never. Being ordered around isn’t always bad.” Bucky instantly blushed at her insinuation, but he remained silent. He followed her gaze across the field and finally examined the old train tracks. He hated trains and anything to do with them. He could still clearly remember his fall from that train as if it had only happened this morning. The unused tracks unsettled his stomach, the heartbroken look of Steve’s face as he couldn’t save Bucky flashing before his eyes. And then pain and darkness and torture and freezing and mind-control. Railway tracks, trains, were the beginning of misery. They would always be that way to Bucky.   
The field was beautiful though, if he ignored the tracks. Spring flowers still sprinkled the grass, even though it was midsummer. Butterflies and bees flew about. Birds occasional chirped from the trees surrounding the clearing, and Bucky even spotted a rabbit at one point. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” he remarked to Y/N. “Yeah,” she said in a wistful tone, “I love seeing the beauty in old, abandoned things. The way the rust has settled, makes it look like a piece of art.” Bucky was confused, his eyebrows furrowed. “What?”  
She looked at him then, asking, “Were you not talking about the railway?” He shook his head in answer. “I had meant the clearing and the flowers. I guess I hadn’t considered the tracks to be anything special.”  
She continued to look at him, deep into his eyes, piercing his soul as she said, “Well, I think they’re stunning.” And in that moment, Bucky realized just how stunning Y/N was. She saw the aesthetic in things that were long unattended, the importance in things long forgotten. He had never met someone like her, someone who he thought, if he gave her the chance, might see the real, melancholy Bucky, and still find him stunning.


	4. A smile from a veil? Do you think you can tell?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so happy with this so far. The beginning was a bit difficult, but these last two chapters have flowed out of me with ease. Hopefully, the momentum will continue for the rest of the story. Thanks for reading! Enjoy!

Your stomach lurched as you faced the conference room full of people. It wasn’t often that you had to present at these meetings, but it happened on occasion, and your social anxiety fought vehemently against it. You worked at a publishing company as a junior editor, and it wasn’t often that you got the opportunity to present a new book you had discovered. This one was a beautiful work of fiction that the owner of the bookstore you visited often had written. You had met her three years ago when you first moved to New York, and you became fast friends, visiting the bookstore at least twice a week. She was ten years older than you were, but the age gap didn’t seem to make a difference in your friendship. You shared many of the same interests, and she was just as single and childless as you were. She had been working on this novel since before you met, and thankfully, she had finally finished the first draft. You read it in one day and automatically knew you had to convince your boss to publish it.  
After sending your boss a short summary of the novel via email, she agreed to let you present the novel, saying “Sounds interesting.” Now your best friend was putting all her hope in you. This presentation had to go well in order for them to sign her book, yet you were terrible at public speaking, always had been. This was the part of your life that you hated. Why couldn’t you do what you loved, editing books, without ever having to actually talk to people? There were some people in your life that you instantly felt comfortable with, like the bookstore owner Meg, like Bucky, but everyone else made you sweat and mumble and hesitate. You had taken so many speech and communication courses in university, but it never got easier. Your social anxiety was crippling at times: you’d surely throw up in the bathroom after this meeting, but you had to do this for Meg.  
That evening you turned the key in your apartment door with a relieved sigh and satisfied smile. Your boss had seemed pleased and asked for Meg’s contact information to get the ball rolling on a deal. You would be the head editor on her book, and you couldn’t wait to get started on it. As you heated up leftovers, you thought about Bucky. It would have been nice to text him about this wonderful news, but despite running into him four more times this week on your jogs, he had not asked for your phone number. You had thought there might be some mutual attraction between the two of you at first, even daring to flirt a tiny bit, but you figured if he was truly interested he would have surely asked for a number by now.  
Bucky was incredibly handsome, his long dark hair often tied in a bun when he ran. His shirts were always a little tight, which did things to you that you could hardly admit. He was utterly adorable sometimes. The way he had looked at you when you talked about rusty train tracks was so endearing. And when he gave you a genuine smile, one that crinkled his eyes, not one of those measly fake smiles, he was truly the most gorgeous thing you had ever seen. You weren’t sure why he would often put on a smile when it was clear he had some inner conflict going on. You very rarely gave anyone a smile unless you were actually feeling joyful. You knew a little about his history, what you could read about online, but you had thought he had moved past all that when he officially joined the Avenger’s team. You knew that if the two of you became closer, you needed to make sure he wasn’t suppressing any bad emotions.  
It seemed that fate wanted you and Bucky to become closer as well. The next day you were in your car on your way to your jogging trail, mere minutes away, when your tire blew out. You safely made it to the shoulder of the road and got out to inspect it. You had a spare, but well, no matter how many times your dad showed you how to change a tire, you were still quite shit at it. You knew the Avengers’ compound was a short walk from this section of the road, and it seemed like the most reasonable option. You figured a kind super-soldier would have no trouble changing the flat.  
Once you made it to the compound, you put on a brave face and knocked. A moment later, you were staring up at the face of Steve Rogers. He looked very surprised to see you. “Y/N right?”  
“Yeah, I’m so sorry about this, but my car had a blowout just a couple minutes down the road, and I was wondering if any of you could help me put my spare on?” you said with a flush on your face. You were already a little embarrassed that you hadn’t just tried to change the tire yourself. You didn’t quite plan for the possibility of someone other than Bucky answering the door.  
“Of course! Come on in,” he stepped back out of the doorway and gestured to the comfy looking couch in the common area. “I’m just gonna go grab Buck, and then we’ll help you out.” He disappeared down a hallway, and you sat awkwardly on the couch.  
A voice from behind you gave you a startle, “You waiting for Barnes or something?” You turned to see Clint Barton still in what seemed to be his sleep attire: sweats and no shirt. You blushed a little, both at his state and his implication that you and Bucky might have made plans. “Umm no… well technically yes…. Uh my car had a blowout, and I was near here. Steve offered to help, and he ran to grab Bucky as well.”  
Clint seemed a little amused at your flustered state. “Ahh, I see. Well, I’m sure the super-buff repair squad will get it fixed right up for you.”  
“You better not be referring to us, Barton,” Steve said with a smirk and a playful threatening tone as he returned to the common area with Bucky close behind him.  
“Hi Y/N. It’s good to see you. I’m sorry about your car,” Bucky said very awkwardly.  
You gave him a knowing smile. “It’s good to see you too, Bucky.”  
Once the three of you made it to your car, you showed them where the spare tire was, and then stood around with nothing to do as the two men switched the tires out in record time. You were sure it was something Steve could have done just as quickly by himself, but you were glad that Bucky had come along as well. Anytime you got to spend with Bucky, you enjoyed. When they finished, you thanked Steve and then asked Bucky if he’d like to ride with you to the trail and jog together. He agreed and then turned to talk with Steve for a moment as you got in the driver’s seat. You couldn’t hear what they were discussing, but you could see Bucky’s face and that damned fake smile that you hated so much. Finally, Steve walked off, and Bucky got into the car. As you put your car in drive, you asked, “Why do you do that?”  
“Do what?”  
“Force a smile even when you’re not happy, like you're veiling your real emotions?”  
He gave you a long, pondering look, and then said, “I’m not sure.”  
“Well, you don’t have to do that with me. I only want your real smiles, ones of pure joy.” And he gave you a real one then, eyes crinkled and everything.


	5. Did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gahhh, I'm so happy that this story has been well-received so far. Thank you so much to the readers that have commented. They really help. Even if you don't have much to say, it's always nice to get a "Great chapter!" comment or something like that to motivate me to write more. I hadn't planned on writing at all today, but once I saw that I had gotten another comment, I felt so compelled to write another chapter. Thank you! I hope you all enjoy where this story is going!

Bucky was still an idiot. He had been so happy to see her yesterday, although he did feel bad about her tire, and then she had asked him to go jogging with her. He could barely contain himself when he said yes. They had talked a lot about Y/N’s job and her best friend’s book. Bucky loved seeing the way her eyes gleamed and her grin never faltered when she talked about things that she loved. She had asked him a few questions about his job, what it was like avenging. Bucky had told her the truth where he could: that it’s gratifying saving people, that the team works effortlessly as a unit, that they don’t give up until the threat is gone, and that sometimes the heaviness of it weighs on the entire team. She then asked him what Avengers do for fun. He told her that Tony and Pepper go out to dinner, Bruce and Natasha go dancing, Clint goes home to his family, Wanda and Vision watch movies, and that Sam and Steve pick up women at bars.   
“And what does Bucky do for fun?” she had asked him. He told her that he often accompanied Steve and Sam to the bars. “But that’s not fun for you, is it?” she said knowingly. Because she always saw right through him. She always knew what he was feeling in his soul. He looked away from her as he admitted, “I don’t really have fun anymore. The last time I had fun was before I enlisted.” He jogged ahead, not wanting look and see the pity in her eyes that he knew would be there.   
She sped up, not letting him get away so easily. “Do none of your friends try to help you have fun? Do they never ask what you want to do? What would be fun for you?”  
This line of questioning had been greatly embarrassing for Bucky. “Umm… they don’t really know… umm… I let them think that I have fun… even when I’m not having fun… I… I hide it.”  
“So, nobody on the team ever knows when you’re unhappy?” she asked with deep concern in her voice. They were almost back to her car now.   
“No. I can’t let them see me at my worst,” he said with a grimace.  
“Being unhappy doesn’t mean you’re at your worst. You know that, right Bucky?”  
He avoided her eye contact again. “Umm sure. Look, I’ve got to head back. I’ll see you.”  
He could tell she was worried about him by the look in her eye. “Let me drive you back to the compound.”   
“No. I’ll be fine.” And then he bolted. He felt bad for leaving things like that. He had to talk to her soon, had to let her know that he wasn’t angry with her. But he was an idiot because he still hadn’t asked for her phone number. Now, he was a pathetic idiot because he had asked Stark to locate Y/N’s number on some database thing that Bucky didn’t understand. Stark found it within a minute, and Bucky stared at his phone for forty-five minutes before he had the courage to text her. 

Bucky: Hi. This is Bucky. I’m sorry if this is a violation of your privacy, but I had Tony locate your number for me just in case something happened with your car again. That way, you can just send me a message to come help, rather than having to walk all the way to the compound. 

He agonized for ten minutes before he got a response.

Y/N: Bucky, it’s totally cool that you’re a stalker. :) I knew it from the beginning, yet I still keep talking to you… I’m joking btw. It’s good to know that I have someone to call in a time of need. Although I am surprised to hear from you considering I really pissed you off yesterday.

He looked up from his phone over to the redhead on the other side of the couch. “Natasha, what does btw mean?”  
“It means ‘by the way,” she smirked at him. “Who you texting, Barnes?” she asked in a teasing voice.  
He ignored her as he typed out a response to Y/N.

Bucky: You didn’t piss me off. I’m sorry for the way I reacted. I just get so confused about my emotions these days. I suppose that’s part of the reason I hide them. You were right to ask me those questions. I have some issues I’ve been avoiding for a while now. 

Y/N: Maybe you could tell me sometime?

Bucky: Maybe. Just not today, though. I just want to get to know you more :)  
  
Y/N: Okay Bucky, what would you like to know?

Bucky’s face lit up, and he smiled to himself until he had to shoot Natasha a glare for smirking at him once again.   
He texted Y/N all day. She managed to get a little bit of information out of him, but he mostly steered the conversation about her. He asked about her hobbies (reading and jogging), her favorite book (Waiting for Godot, which Bucky pointed out was technically a play rather than a book. She ignored him.), her family (She talks to her mom every day, has one sister, and has a cousin that she is closer to than she is her sister.), and he asked about her dreams (“Umm yesterday I dreamed I had a pet pig.” “No, not those dreams. I mean like your goals for life.” “Oh, I suppose I want to write my own book one day.”). By ten o’clock that night, Bucky had realized something. This was fun. Talking with Y/N was enjoyable from start to finish and every moment in between. He had been smiling like an idiot most of the day. He had fun when he was talking with her, spending time with her, and even thinking about her. When he lay in bed, he suddenly felt very brave.

Bucky: Can I call you?

Fifteen minutes passed, and then his phone rang. He was breathless as he answered, “Hi.”  
“Hi Bucky, is everything all right?”  
“Yeah! Yeah… uh… everything’s fine… I just…”  
“You just what, Bucky?”  
His cheeks were so red as he admitted, “I just wanted to hear your voice before I went to sleep.”  
Through the phone, he could hear the most adorable giggle. “Well, I can talk for as long as you’d like.”  
“I still can’t believe you weren’t creeped out that I had Stark find your number for me,” he said in a guilty voice.  
“Bucky, you’re not creepy. You’re a hero for Christ’s sake. How could I be creeped out by you when you’re constantly risking your life to save the world? I know you have a good heart.”  
“I don’t feel like a hero.”  
“What do you mean?”  
“I don’t feel like a hero. Sometimes, I feel like a ghost. I feel like I’m not real, like I’m floating around this world being shadowed by my past. Like people only see the memory of me, not me. I don’t feel real.”  
There was silence for a very long time, and then she said in the most gentle voice, “Oh Bucky… You’re very real to me.”


	6. Hot ashes for trees?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I get happier and happier with this story after each chapter that I write. I hope you all are just as happy with it. Enjoy! And please leave comments!

You were on your first glass of wine. It was Friday night, exactly four days since you and Bucky had started texting. You had met up for a jog once more since then. He had messaged you this morning to say that he was going on a mission and wouldn’t be available to talk for the rest of the day. He was incredibly sweet. Sometimes he could be so bold in the things he said to you, flirting unapologetically; you suspected those moments came from his old life back in the forties when you were sure he had been a womanizer. Other times, he was unbelievable shy, acting as if he had no idea how to speak to a woman. You never knew which version of Bucky you would get with each response, but you adored them both.   
Meg was in the kitchen searching your freezer for ice cream. Finally, she returned to the couch with an entire carton of Salted Caramel Pecan and what you were sure was her third glass of wine. The two of you often spent Friday nights like this: lounging, drinking, and watching episodes of Game of Thrones. You hadn’t told her about a certain super soldier you were sweet on, but you thought tonight might be a good time to talk about it. You had been feeling like you might burst if you held this wonderful secret in for too much longer.   
“Do you mind if I flip it over to the news?” Meg asked as she was already grabbing the remote.   
You rolled your eyes. Meg loved watching the news. She watched it just as religiously as her favorite TV show.   
“Sure. So, Meg, I wanted to tell you about this guy I met.”  
Her head whipped toward you so fast you were surprised her neck hadn’t broken. “You’re seeing someone?”  
“Not exactly, no. We met while I was jogging, and now we text quite a lot. We’ve talked over the phone twice. There’s been a little flirting, but he hasn’t explicitly said anything about dating.”  
“Huh, sounds a little complicated. Who is this guy?”  
“Well that’s the crazy part…” but you drifted off because your eyes had caught something on the news. “Turn that up, Meg.”  
She increased the volume on the TV as live footage of some sort of explosion played on the screen, ashes falling around the edges of the frame. Your heart dropped into your stomach as you finally caught what the reported was saying. “There has been a large explosion at what is believed to be the base of some sort of covert criminal organization. The Avengers were believed to be on the scene before the explosion occurred, but we currently have no update on the status of the team of heroes.”  
You shot up from your seat, racing to your bedroom to get your phone off the charger.  
“Oh my god! Bucky!” you cried as you willed your legs to move faster. By the time you were unlocking your phone, Meg had followed you and was giving you an incredulous look. “Who the hell is Bucky?”  
Just before you pressed call on his number, you said to her, “Sergeant Barnes, the Winter Soldier. He’s the guy I met.” You turned away as the phone rang, muttering to yourself, “Please pick up. Please pick up. Please pick up.”   
He didn’t pick up.  
Tears erupted from your eyes. You were distraught, and you said to Meg in a broken voice, “We have to go there, now.”  
She was still very confused but also concerned to see that you were crying. “Go where?”  
“The Avenger’s compound. We have to go there and wait for them to return. I have to wait there until I know he’s okay.”  
She raised her eyebrows at you. “You know where the Avenger’s compound is?”  
“When you kind of, sort of, not really are dating Bucky Barnes, it comes with privileged information,” you quipped as you grabbed your car keys and rushed out the front door. The drive to the compound was tense. Meg was mostly silent; you figured she was still trying to wrap her head around the whole ‘Bucky is the guy you’ve been texting thing.’ When you finally pulled up to the compound, you instantly scoped out the jet that the Avengers were emerging from. You sat in your car as you watched Steve and Tony exit, and then Clint and Natasha, and then Sam and Wanda and Vision, and then even the War Machine. Then, you watched the door of the jet close. Bucky had not emerged.  
A sob erupted from your throat as you flung your car door open. You walked swiftly toward the group of people, noting their singed clothing and ash coated hair. Once you were a few feet away, Steve finally noticed you and turned to see your tear-streaked face. He looked extremely confused for a moment, but you didn’t have time for explanations.  
“Where is he?” you half shouted, half sobbed.   
Steve’s eyes filled with understanding. “Don’t worry Y/N. He’s fine.”  
“He’s fine?” you asked in disbelief. “Where is he? I didn’t see him get off the jet.”  
“He got off first, as soon as we touched down… said he needed some air and some space.” Steve nodded to the tree line on one side of the compound. “He walked off in that direction.”  
You didn’t say another word to Steve because you were already jogging toward the tree line. You walked a few feet into the forest before you suddenly became scared because of how dark it was. You weren’t sure how far in Bucky had gone, so you called out his name. A moment later you heard, “Y/N? What are you doing here?”  
You walked in the direction of his voice until you almost tripped over something. You looked down to find Bucky laying on his back, looking up at the trees. At that moment, you didn’t care about embarrassing yourself. You threw your body over him in a bone-crushing hug and wept into his shoulder. “Thank god you’re alive!” you sobbed.  
“You thought I was dead?” he sounded a bit amused.  
“I saw the explosion on the news, and then I tried to call and you didn’t answer. I had to come here and wait for you. I wouldn’t have been able to sleep until I knew.”  
He lifted your face away from his shoulder, finally tearing his gave from the trees above him and piercing you with those blue eyes. “I didn’t realize you cared so much,” he said to you in a playful tone.   
“You’re an idiot,” you huffed.   
He chuckled and then said in a more serious tone, “It feels nice to have someone waiting for me.”


	7. Hot air for a cool breeze?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had to finish this one before bed. Enjoy!

“Good morning, doll,” Bucky said as he entered the clearing with the train tracks.  
“Doll?” Y/N said with a flirty tone. “That’s a new one.”  
Bucky blushed at his own boldness in giving her a pet name. It had just slipped out because of how close he had been feeling to her ever since the night of the explosion. It seemed, probably entirely at the fault of Bucky, that their relationship was moving at a snail’s pace. They talked all the time, jogged together every morning, and she had even come over to the compound one evening to watch movies. But Bucky was so terrified of losing something this good, so he hadn’t told her how crazy she makes him, and he hadn’t kissed her.   
“What’s something that you used to do for fun that you haven’t done in a very long time?” she asked him as they sat together in the morning sun.  
“Baseball.”  
“Play or watch?”  
“Play. Steve and I used to play a bit before the war,” he grinned a little. “Well I played, and Steve tried to. Then during the war, after Steve rescued me, the whole camp would play a few games in our spare time… Steve was much better at it then,” he finished with a chuckle, and Y/N giggled as well.   
“The team never plays sports together?”  
“We train in the gym together, but that’s different I guess.”  
“Maybe you should suggest a game of baseball to them.”  
He shook his head. “Nah, they wouldn’t go for that.”

That evening Bucky came into the kitchen just as Tony was finishing up a phone conversation. “…no worries. He’ll be none the wiser. Of course, see you then. Bye,” Bucky overheard him say.   
“Who’ll be none the wiser?” he interrogated.  
Stark nearly jumped out of his skin and turned to see Bucky standing there. “Jesus Barnes! You nearly gave me a heart attack. What’s the matter with you?”  
Bucky ignored his change of subject. “Who were you talking to?”  
“Hmm?.. Oh, just a business colleague. Nothing for you to worry about, Winter Smolder.”  
“Yes! It’s catching on!” Sam shouted from the couch in the common area.   
“I’m gonna kill you, Wilson.”   
Tony disappeared before Bucky could question him further. 

The next morning, Bucky allowed himself a pleasure he had been denying for a while now. He stepped into his steaming shower, and as the hot air surrounded him, he thought about Y/N while his hand drifted down toward his morning wood. He had felt too ashamed to think about her like this before, but today felt different. He could sense the mutual attraction building between them, and he figured she might not mind so much that he thought about her this way. That he thought about the way she looked just after a jog, face all flushed and hair all wild, as he stroked himself. That he let himself imagine what she might look like with less clothes on. Every inch of Bucky’s skin was aflame, the air scorching and sticky around him as he climaxed.   
He had just finished toweling off and slipping some shorts on when there was a knock on his bedroom door. “Buck? It’s Steve.”  
“Come in.”  
The moment Bucky got a look at Steve’s eyes, he knew something was up. Steve Rogers had always been bad at keeping secrets, and Bucky could always tell when he was plotting something.  
“What are you up to, Stevie?” Bucky said in an accusatory tone.  
“What? Nothing!” Steve answered very quickly in a high-pitched voice. “Just get a shirt on and follow me outside, will ya?”  
Bucky quirked his eyebrow but obliged. As soon as the two of them stepped outside, all the heat on Bucky’s skin left him. It was a rare summer day, one with great cloud coverage and a wonderful, cool breeze. He looked around for a moment, wondering why Steve had led him out here, when he spotted it: four bases arranged in a diamond with a pitcher’s mound in the center.   
Bucky suddenly felt as if he couldn’t breathe because how had this happened? How could the team have known the one thing Bucky had been longing to do? “What? How?” he asked to Steve.  
“Hi Bucky,” a beautiful voice interrupted from behind him. Of course. Of course it had been all her doing. Bucky turned to her as all the confusion left his mind and he felt only pure joy. She looked adorable in a baseball tee, jean shorts, Chuck Taylor’s, and a ball cap nestled over her braid. She gave him a proud smile, and he couldn’t resist picking her up in his arms and giving her a crushing hug.   
“Bucky!” she giggled. “Put me down!”  
“You arranged this?” he asked, still grinning ear to ear.  
“You said you wanted to play baseball, so we’re going to play baseball: Avengers Style,” she smirked.   
“You an Avenger now, are you?” he teased her.  
“Oh yeah, you hadn’t heard? Tony built me a suite.”  
“What?!” Bucky exclaimed, instantly concerned.  
“Relax Bucky. I’m joking,” she reassured him as both she and Steve burst out in laughter. 

The rest of the team joined them outside, and they played baseball almost the entire day. They took a break for lunch, and then once the sun started to set, they lit a bonfire. Y/N was by his side through it all, munching on s’mores by the light of the fire and always looking up at him with a different fire in her eyes. The other team members started to make their way back inside, one by one, but Y/N and Bucky stayed by the fire late into the night, hot air in front of them, and the cool night breeze at their backs. Bucky put his right arm around her shoulders when he saw her shudder from the chill.  
“I still can’t believe you arranged all this for me. How did you do that, by the way?”  
“I got Tony’s number when I came over to watch movies the other night.”  
“Texting Stark now too, huh? I didn’t realize I had competition,” he responded, only half-joking.  
“I got his number specifically to arrange this, so don’t go getting all pouty over there, Bucky… besides, you know how I feel about you.”  
“Do I?”  
“Bucky, you’re the most incredible person I’ve ever met. I haven’t thought about anyone or anything else since you helped me that day I fell. I care about you… very deeply. If you haven’t realized that by now, I must be doing something wrong.”  
Bucky took a second to steel himself as he looked into Y/N’s eyes and prayed for bravery. “You’re not doing anything wrong.” And then his lips were on hers in a searing kiss that made anything he had done in the shower feel tame. Their lips fit together flawlessly, and Bucky was sure he would never be able to pull away.


	8. Cold comfort for change?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are moving along nicely now. I'm still really enjoying all of the reader reactions to the previous chapters, so keep the comments coming! Hope you enjoy this one just as much :)

“Can I take you out on a date?” Bucky said to you over the phone the next day.   
“I don’t know… I might be able to pencil you in between the other four dates I have this week,” you responded in a playful tone.   
Bucky gave an exaggerated sigh. “Well, I wouldn’t want you to overexert yourself trying to fit me into your schedule.”  
Laughing, you said, “I suppose I can cancel all my other dates if you promise to take me somewhere real nice, Sergeant.”  
You were pretty sure you heard a muffled groan from his end of the line. “Since when do you call me Sergeant?”  
“Since now. Why? Do you like it?” your voice lowering into a seductive tone.   
“You have no idea,” he said, sounding a bit breathless. He cleared his throat, then said, “Look, I know just the fancy place to take a gal like you, so cancel all your other lame dates and say you’ll go with me.”  
“You drive a hard bargain,” you said in a stern voice, but then it became gentle as you continued, “Yes, I’d love to go on a date with you, Bucky.”

That’s how you ended up at a somewhat run-down looking bowling alley the following weekend. “This is your idea of fancy?” you said, incredulously.  
“A classy place for a classy lady,” he said with a smirk.  
“I am so offended right now,” you quipped as you laced up your borrowed bowling shoes. He was sitting next to you, and once he finished lacing up his own shoes, he leaned over and gave you a sweet kiss on the lips.   
Bucky found the heaviest ball to throw with, while you picked up something in the medium range. You could tell by the way he was standing and walking that he felt a bit cocky about his chances of winning against you. Before the game began, you asked, “When’s the last time you went bowling?”   
“Before the war, why?”  
“So, before you became a super soldier?” you said with a knowing gleam in your eye.  
“Yeah, why?”  
“Oh nothing. You’re up first. Impress me, Sergeant.”  
He raised his eyebrows at you, then turned to strut toward the lane, lined up, and then tossed the ball. Rather than rolling, it flew through the air a bit and ended up in a gutter. Bucky stood with his back to you for a moment before he finally turned around, face turning pink.  
“Don’t know your own strength, huh?”  
“You knew that was going to happen, didn’t you?”  
You giggled. “A bit, yeah.” You picked up your ball and walked backward toward the lane. “See, there’s one thing about myself I forgot to mention.” He looked at you in question. “I’m incredible at bowling. It’s the one sport I could always beat my entire family at.” You turned away then, lined up instantly, and gracefully rolled the ball along the lane. All ten pins went down.  
Thankfully, Bucky wasn’t a sore loser, so he looked more impressed than annoyed at your hidden talent for bowling. He became increasingly better once he grew accustomed to the difference in his strength in relation to the game, but he still wasn’t skilled enough to beat you.  
As you sat down at a table to eat nachos he had bought for the two of you at the concession stand, he asked, “Any other hidden talents I should know about?”  
“Nope. Bowling is the one ace up my sleeve. I’m terrible at most other sports. I mean, you saw how I was at baseball.”  
He rubbed the back of his neck. “I wasn’t gonna say anything, but since you brought it up…”  
You gave him a lite punch in the arm. “I don’t remember you being this ornery a week ago.”  
“Well, a week ago I was really trying to impress you.”  
“And you’re not trying to impress me now,” you said with one eyebrow raised.  
He gave a bashful smile. “Only slightly less.”

When the two of you left the bowling alley, it was already dark, but you didn’t want the date to end just yet. “Want to come back to my apartment?” you asked boldly.  
He agreed without hesitation. You mentally congratulated yourself for remembering to clean it this morning. You awkwardly led him through the door and watched him take in your quaint little living room. You felt a bit naked as he examined the photos and décor on your walls, things that revealed little pieces of who you were. “It’s nice in here,” he finally said. “It feels very cozy.”  
“Thank you. Would you like a drink?”  
“Do you have a beer?”  
“Of course. I’ll grab you one. Make yourself comfortable,” you said while gesturing to the couch.   
Once you had returned from the kitchen with his beer and a glass of wine for yourself, you and Bucky sat cuddled together on the small couch. “This is different,” Bucky said quietly.  
You looked up at him. “What do you mean?”  
“This is just not a direction I ever imagined my life could go. It’s such a stark contrast to how things were a few months ago.”  
“It’s a good change though, I hope,” you said, hearing the insecurity in your own voice.   
“No, yeah, of course… It’s just… when you’re depressed and hiding for so long like I’ve been, it’s lonely and isolating and cold, but it’s also comfortable. The act I put on around the team, it’s routine. I’m good at it, never wavering. It’s hell… but it’s also my comfort zone.” You remained quiet as he spoke, unsure of what to say. “This,” he gestured between the two of you, “is out of my comfort zone. You’re unpredictable. You make me so happy, but you keep me on my toes. It’s just different now. Everything’s changed.”  
You brought your hand to his cheek. “Bucky, change can be good, very good. Please don’t run from this. Let me show you how good change can be.” You kissed him then, with all the passion you could muster. Soon you were straddling his lap, and as the kissed intensified, he was holding onto your thighs and standing up, never breaking his lips from yours.   
“Where’s the—”  
You cut him off, “Bedroom’s down the hall, second door on the right.” And he carried you there as your lips remained interlocked.   
The rest of the night passed in a tangle of naked flesh, tender looks, and satisfied moans.


	9. Did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three things:  
> Thank you to all my readers for your continued support of this story.  
> The chapter count (15) is a for sure thing for this story, but I would be willing to write some drabbles about Bucky/reader after the story has ended, if that's something my readers would be interested in reading.  
> Finally, I have an idea for a Steve/reader fic, but I'm curious to know if any of you read Steve/reader or if you're all diehard Bucky/reader fans.
> 
> This chapter gets a bit heavy, but I hope you still feel that I'm doing the story justice once you read it. Enjoy!

“Parents still together?”  
“Divorced.”  
“How long have you been at the publishing company?”  
“Three years.”  
“Any crazy ex-boyfriends?”  
“Not that I know of.”  
“How long was your last relationship?”  
“Year and a half.”  
“Who ended it?”  
“I did.”  
“Why?”  
“Nat!” Bucky interjected. “Stop with the god damn interrogation already!”  
He was sitting next to Y/N at the compound’s dining table eating breakfast. Unfortunately, the rest of the team had joined them as well. It was Y/N’s first sleepover at the compound, nearly two months after their first kiss, and he was sure she was regretting their decision to crash here rather than at her peaceful apartment.  
She placed her hand on his metal shoulder in a comforting gesture. “It’s okay, Bucky. They’re your friends. They just want to protect you, make sure I don’t have any skeletons in the closet and all that.”  
He gave a forced smile to Nat. “I’m sorry. I know you only do it out of care.”  
“No worries, Barnes.”  
“You’ll be at the cocktail party this weekend, right Barnes?” Tony jumped in to change the subject. However, this subject seemed to be no more pleasant for Bucky because he had to carefully school his features into a pleasant expression before giving an affirmative nod to Stark.   
“Yeah! Winter Smolder can bring his hot date this time,” Sam jested.   
“I actually have plans this weekend,” Y/N remarked regretfully. “My cousin is flying in for a visit,” she clarified. Bucky had to restrain himself from frowning deeply. He had known about her plans already, but the reminder still saddened him. He hated Stark’s cocktail parties, and it would have been really nice to have her there to cheer him up and get him through the night.   
“She’s welcome to come too,” Tony said cheerfully.  
Y/N immediately looked very awkward. “Umm I don’t think she would be comfortable with that. We haven’t seen each other in years and had just planned on chilling at my apartment. Thank you for your generosity though, Tony.”  
“Ahh I understand. Looks like Bucko will just have to survive the night without you. I believe Thor is bringing some of that Asgardian liquor again. Maybe that will help?” Tony said with a chuckle. Steve and Sam whooped in excitement at the thought of getting their hands on some of that liquor again, and Bucky rolled his eyes with a smile growing on his face. Everyone finished their plates, but Steve was the only one who stuck around to help Bucky and Y/N with the cleanup.   
“Hey Buck?” Steve said as the two of them stood side-by-side at the sink cleaning dishes. Y/N was currently wiping down the stove and the countertops.  
“Yeah?”  
“Could you teach my defense class for me this afternoon?”  
“Why can’t you?”  
Steve was silent for a moment, looking a bit embarrassed. He rubbed the back of his neck with a soapy hand as he said, “I… uh… have a date.”  
Bucky was instantly annoyed, but he hid it well. “Why’d you schedule a date when you knew you had a class?” he inquired in a voice that masked his true frustration at his best friend. Steve normally loved teaching the defense classes, but Bucky had hated the few classes he had tried to teach. His defense skills had been programmed into him, not taught, and trying to teach those skills to future agents put a bad taste in his mouth and a sick feeling in his stomach.   
“I forgot about the class when I scheduled the date. Now I don’t want to cancel on her because I’m afraid she’ll think I’m not interested.”  
Bucky was silent again as he tried to think of a way to get out of teaching for Steve without having a confrontation. “Nobody else on the team could do it?”  
Steve shook his head. “They’re all busy.”  
“What if I’m busy this afternoon?”  
“But you’re not, are you Buck?”  
Bucky sighed, then plastered on that fake smile again. “No, I’m not. ‘Course I’ll cover for you, Stevie.”  
After the kitchen and dining area had been cleaned up, Steve disappeared to his room, and Bucky and Y/N migrated to the couch. Bucky was flipping through channels on the television when Y/N said to him in a very serious voice, “You need to talk to them, all of them.”  
Bucky sat down the remote and looked at her, very confused. “What are you talking about?”  
“Bucky you need to tell them about your depression. If not all of them, then at least Steve. He’s your best friend. You can’t keep hiding yourself from him.”  
“Where is this coming from? I thought you understood that it’s better they think I’m happy. They don’t need to see me as some fucked up ex-assassin still reeling from his past.”  
“I understand your hesitation, but I’ve been around them enough now to know that they would not react negatively to you being open with them. They would support you, help you get better. Hell, I’m sure most of them have just as many issues they deal with daily. It would be nice for you to share with the people who can relate.”  
He was suddenly very angry. “Nobody can relate to what I’ve gone through. I went from fighting a war that I signed up for, one I understood and believed in, to being a tool in somebody else’s covert war for 70 years. I had no say in it; I was a caged soldier, a dispensable weapon. I had no control for all those years, yet I felt every moment of them. None of the team members could possibly understand what all that was like, and neither could you!”  
“Okay so maybe nobody can understand all that, but that doesn’t mean you have to keep it to yourself, and it doesn’t mean you have to avoid sticking up for yourself because you’re so afraid they’ll see you as only the Winter Soldier again.” Bucky flinched at that title. “I sat there and watched as you let Sam call you that stupid nickname again, as you agreed to attend that party that I know for a fact you are dreading going to, and as you agreed to torture yourself by teaching a defense class rather than telling Steve to quit being a dumbass and reschedule his fucking date! Just fucking tell them no every once in a god damn while! And if you talked to them about what was really going on, they wouldn’t say these things or ask these things of you in the first place.”  
Bucky could see this going to a really bad place, but it was as if his mouth had a mind of its own and he had no way of stopping it. “You don’t get to decide when I’m ready to talk to people about my depression. It has nothing to do with you! And you’re one to talk! You let your social anxiety get to you so much that you literally have no friends other than me and Meg. You avoid everyone at work as much as possible, and you hardly go out and do anything fun unless I suggest it. Most of our dates you want to spend here or at your apartment, cooped up. I don’t see you taking any progressive steps to get over this problem of yours. Seems pretty hypocritical to me.”  
Y/N looked like she had been slapped.  
“First off, you’re right. You should be able to decide when you talk about your depression. That was wrong of me to demand that of you, but there is a difference between not talking about something and going out of your way to hide something and put on a complete act to your friends that they can’t even get to know the real you. What you’re doing is wrong, Bucky. You’re lying to people who care about you, and you’re hurting your whole team in the long run.” She paused then, taking a long breath and steeling herself before she continued with a new fury. “I am not hurting anyone with my anxiety! There is no problem with me being strictly professional at my work, only talking to people when necessary and only about strictly work-related things. I have discussed my anxiety with Meg at length, and she has no problem with us mostly drinking wine and spending time at either of our homes. And you! I always go out with you when you want to. I never force you to stay in. I am constantly stepping out of my comfort zone for our dates. And I have been making a constant effort to make good friends with your friends. If you weren’t so constantly wrapped up in your own façade, you would see how hard it’s been for me to be around the team, how anxious I’ve been! But I fucking did it because I actually like them and do want to be friends with them, even though it makes me anxious. And I really fucking like you too, Bucky, but I can’t be around you around them anymore and witness the fake person you become. I just can’t.”  
Y/N rose from the couch and was out the door before Bucky could formulate a word.  
“Fuck!” Bucky said as he brought his flesh fist down on the coffee table hard. He turned his head then, suddenly aware of another presence in the room. Steve was standing in the doorway behind the couch. “I don’t suppose you just got there?” Bucky said sadly, already suspecting the answer.  
“No,” Steve said in a regretful voice with a very concerned look on his face.


	10. How I wish, how I wish you were here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the chapters usually alternate POV, but it made more sense for the story to have two Bucky chapters back-to-back. I promise the next chapter will be from the reader's POV. Also, there are only five chapters left of this story. I can't believe it has gone by so quickly. I'm still wondering if any of my readers would be interested in a Steve/reader fic. I would be slightly more motivated to write it if I knew there was some interest in it. Please let me know in the comments! And tell me what you think about where this story is going! Enjoy!

Bucky grimaced at his reflection in the bathroom mirror as he fixed his tie. He was dressing for Stark’s cocktail party, and he couldn’t be more unhappy. Y/N hadn’t answered any of his calls or texts since their fight on Thursday, and it was now Saturday. He had been persistently avoiding Steve’s questions and concerns since that day. He felt like he had been truly fucked over on all ends: messing things up with you, the one person who made him feel real and happy, and now he had his best friend breathing down his neck, fretting about Bucky’s depression. Bucky assumed it was only a matter of time before Steve called a team meeting on the issue, and he was dreading the day.   
He tied his long hair into a low bun, not bothering to do anything more fancy with it, took a long, deep breath, and exited his room. Of course, Steve was waiting for him in the fucking hallway.   
“How many times do I have to say that I’m not ready to talk about it?”  
Steve looked absolutely exhausted, probably laid awake worrying about Bucky all the damn time. Typical fucking perfect Steve. “A million. I’m not going to just let up about this, Buck. We both know I overheard almost all of your conversation with Y/N. I can’t just ignore what I know now, especially when it concerns my best friend’s health.”  
“First of all, you didn’t overhear. You were eavesdropping. Second, it wasn’t a conversation. It was a fight. And we haven’t spoken to each other since, so I’m not really in the mood to open up about my feelings and all that shit.”  
“Okay, the two of you were shouting, it was impossible not to hear from the hallway. And it seemed to me like the reason she was angry with you is that you refuse to talk to me. Don’t you think it might help your case with her if you were able to say that you did talk to me and we sorted everything out?”  
Bucky considered this for a moment, reluctant to admit that Steve might have a point. “Fine. We’ll talk, but right now is not the time.” Bucky said in an annoyed tone. “I’ll talk to you after the party’s wound down, provided that both of us aren’t shit-faced on Asgardian liquor by that point.”  
Steve chuckled and clapped a hand on Bucky’s right shoulder as they entered the party lounge. He immediately spotted Sam playing darts with a few men in tuxedos he didn’t quite recognize and decided to join them in an attempt to distract his somber thoughts. He noticed Steve went right for the bar, speaking animatedly with Natasha and Bruce. Much the night passed with Bucky floating around across different groups of people, saying hello to the ones he knew and being introduced to the ones he didn’t. He avoided most conversations that delved any deeper than simple pleasantries, and he did have to stop by the bar a few times. After only an hour into the party, Bucky had already removed his tie, feeling like it had been suffocating him, and had undone the top button on his shirt, not caring if he didn’t look posh enough for Tony’s rich friends.   
Bucky had hoped he might get out of having that chat with Steve if the man got plastered, but he had only seen Steve drink a few beers, not touching Thor’s liquor at all. He knew it was because Steve did not plan to let him off the hook. When Bucky stepped out onto the terrace for air later into the night, he wasn’t surprised at all to hear someone following him out. Once Steve had closed the door behind him, he said, “All right, Buck. It’s time. Tell me what’s been going on with you, and start from the beginning.”  
Bucky couldn’t look at him as he said it, so he looked up at the clear night sky. “I’m unhappy Steve, and I don’t know why.”  
“You don’t want to be an Avenger?”  
“No, it’s not that. I enjoy what we do, the gratification of helping people… I just feel like I don’t know how to be myself around the team. I’m afraid of what you all will think of me. I’m constantly on eggshells… and I feel like there are so many things I should be happy about and thankful for. I’m still alive. You’re still alive. I’m no longer a weapon under mind-control. Everyone on the team is really friendly. I’m really fortunate, so I feel like I should be really happy… and then I feel even worse when I can’t just make myself be happy.”  
“But it doesn’t work like that, Buck. Happiness isn’t directly correlated to how good or bad your life is. There’s a lot more to it than that, and depression is a really complicated mental illness. It helps to talk to people about it… and I know you said you can’t trust us not to form judgments about you, but the only way you’ll truly know how we’ll react is if you take the risk and start to open up to us little by little. Stop pretending to be happy about things when you’re not. You had no problem letting me know how angry you were at me for eavesdropping, and that’s the way it should be. I want to know when you’re sad, and furious, and uncomfortable, and simply cranky. If I can see it when you’re feeling all those things, then it will be even better when I can watch you experience real happiness… because you will get there, Buck.” Steve was silent for a long moment before asking, “When did all this start?”  
So Bucky told him about the hope he had felt in Wakanda, and then he explained the immense effort he had put in to please everyone when he had first joined the Avengers. Finally, he admitted that that effort had never ceased. Steve listened to him without interruption. Once Bucky had finished the long confession, Steve assured his friend that he wouldn’t mention any of this to the other Avenger’s until Bucky was ready to talk about it. “Finding happiness is very much a personal thing: nobody can do it for you. But a support system certainly helps, and I know for a fact that Y/N is the best support system you could possibly ask for. She cares about you deeply, Buck. I can see it in the way she looks at you. You need to fix things with her,” Steve finished before he stepped back inside to the party.   
Bucky didn’t return to the party. He slipped away to his room, and as he lay in bed, he once again called the person that had consumed his mind for months. To his immense shock, she actually picked up.  
“Bucky, will you give it a rest? It’s two in the morning.”  
She sounded as if she was about to hang up, so he rushed, “Please don’t go. I have something I need to say, and I really need you to listen.”  
There was silence and then, “Okay… but I can’t promise I won’t fall asleep on you.”  
He gave a light chuckle before commencing his hastily thought out speech, “I talked to Steve, and you were right, it made me feel loads better. And I’m done faking happiness and pleasing people. It needed to stop; you were right about that as well. I’m sorry I got so defensive with you, and I’m sorry I brought your anxiety into the conversation as a way to hurt you just because I was feeling attacked. I handled things so poorly, and I’ll completely understand if you never want to speak to me again after this… but god how I wish you were here right now. How I wish you were here every second of every day… or that I was there with you, whichever. I just enjoy being with you so much… and you make me a better person. You push me to be better… to be honest with my friends. You’re incredible, and I’ve known that from the start Y/N. I just let my blind anger get in the way of that for a moment the other day.”  
Bucky thought he could hear light sobbing on the other end of the line. “I think I’m falling in love with you,” she finally said in a shaky voice. “That’s why it hurt me so much when you turned the whole argument around on me. I know I approached the subject in a really poor manner, and I take full responsibility for that… but I felt like I was trusting you with my weaknesses and you used them against me. It wasn’t something I was expecting from a man I adore so much.”  
“I know those were horrible things for me to say to you when you were only trying to help me. I will apologize a million times for the way I reacted…do you really mean that, though? That you’re falling in love with me.”  
“Yeah, I do.”  
Bucky’s grin reached his eyes for the first time in days. “So there’s still hope for us?”  
“I can hear your smile from here, you dork. Yes, there’s hope for us yet.”


	11. We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you to all my readers and commenters! I hope you enjoy this chapter!
> 
> ps. Go check out my Steve/reader fic which already has two chapters posted :)

You were meeting Bucky at the aquarium today, and you were very nervous. You hadn’t even been this nervous for your first date. Things had been going better since he had called you last Saturday night, but you still felt a bit awkward speaking with him since your fight. Today would be the first time you saw each other since that horrible day, which was over a week ago, and you wanted everything to go smoothly. You wanted to get back to that calm comfort that used to be effortless between the two of you.   
Meg was sitting on your bed as you dressed for your date. “That’s not nearly sexy enough,” she commented.  
You gave her a disapproving look. “We’re going to an aquarium. There will be children there.”  
“Doesn’t mean you have to look like a nun,” she shrugged. “You are planning on getting laid tonight, right?”  
“I’m pretty sure it doesn’t matter to Bucky what I wear,” you remarked, but you turned back to your closet and started browsing for something else.  
“If it doesn’t matter, why did you insist that I come over and help you pick something?” she said with a smirk, knowing she had won the argument.  
“Fine. It probably doesn’t matter to him, but it matters to me. I want him to think I’m sexy.”   
She got up from the bed and walked over to pluck something from your closet. “Then dress sexy. Wear this.” You silently obeyed, slipping into the spaghetti-strap sundress and the short heels Meg had picked out to match.   
An hour later, you arrived at the aquarium, shaking from nerves and possibly sweating a bit. As soon as you pulled into a parking space, you saw him waiting by the entrance. His long hair was left down but tucked behind his ears, and his T-shirt was just tight enough that the sight of it made you sweat a little more. You wondered how you had gone an entire week without touching this gorgeous man. He really was irresistible. He gave you a lovely smile, which you returned, as he spotted you walking toward him.   
You gave him a long hug once you met, softly saying, “It’s so good to see you, Bucky.”  
He let out a contented sigh. “It’s good to see you too, doll.”   
It felt like you stood there for hours, but you finally pulled away and suggested the two of you go inside.  
“You look stunning, Y/N,” Bucky admitted as he offered you his arm and you walked through the door.  
You blushed at his compliment and decided to pay him one back. “You look stunning as well, Sergeant.” You loved the flush that filled his cheeks, but you weren’t sure if it was from embarrassment of from slight arousal at the name you had called him.  
After paying the entrance fee, Bucky asked you what you wanted to see first.   
“The sea turtles,” you said without hesitation. He gave you a sweet smile and led the way.  
“What have you been up to this week?” you asked him as you observed the giant turtles swimming and twirling around in their humongous tank.  
“Well, we had a mission on Tuesday and Wednesday, which you already knew because I wasn’t available to talk.”  
“Where was the mission?”  
“Australia,” he said matter-of-factly.  
“What? You guys just up and went to Australia this week,” you said in a surprised tone.  
“We take missions all over the world. It takes way less time to get there in one of Tony’s jets. I thought you knew all this?”  
“Since we’ve been dating, you guys have only gone on missions in the States. I guess I just assumed the Avengers didn’t really do anything international anymore.”  
“It’s not as often we have to leave the country, but I can’t say it doesn’t happen… you sound upset. Did I say something wrong?”  
“What? No, you didn’t say anything wrong. It’s just a little frightening, is all, thinking about you being that far away from me on a dangerous mission.”  
He pulled you into his side in an effort to comfort you. “We have very strict safety protocols on missions. We don’t take any unnecessary risks. I promise. Except for Steve, of course. That bastard can’t go a day without putting his life at risk,” he joked in an effort to cheer you up.  
You giggled and leaned up in order to give him a peck on the cheek. He turned just in time to capture your lips in a quick kiss. It was like electricity shot through your veins when your lips touched, and you knew in that moment that the wonderful connection between the two of you had not been lost.   
You both meandered over to a different tank with two large Goldsaddle goatfish chasing each other in a constant circle. “Maybe you should get some of these since you like goats so much,” you teased him, remembering what he told you about farming goats in Wakanda.   
“Ha. Ha,” he said sarcastically as he reached over and tried to tickle your waist, but you dodged his metal fingers just in time.   
“Do you think they do that because they’re lost?” he asked you once your giggling had stopped.  
“What? Swim in circles?” you clarified. He nodded. You thought for a moment and then said, “I think they’re just constantly trying to get to the other, and they just don’t know how to stop for a moment, take a breath, and meet in the middle.”  
He met your eyes, admiration shining past the brilliant blue of his. You weren’t sure why, but Bucky always seemed to bring out these philosophical or poetic moments in you. He made you want to say things that took his breathe away, and so you always managed to come up with these combinations of words that surprised even yourself.   
“I think you’re right,” he said softly as he grabbed your hand, pulled it to his mouth, and placed a gentle kiss on the back of it, “let’s not swim in circles anymore. Let’s meet in the middle from now on.”  
You couldn’t prevent the happy tear sliding down your face as you smiled at this wonderful man once again.


	12. Year after year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I worked extra hard to get this chapter up tonight for you all because I knew I would be super busy tomorrow. I'll update The Wonder of You again on the 4th, and then post another chapter to this fic on the 5th. Enjoy!

Y/N finished with a loud moan and a shudder, and Bucky finally pulled his mouth away from her heat, wiping her juices from his face with the back of his right hand. He collapsed next to her, thoroughly exhausted. He intertwined his metal fingers with hers as they lay together, staring at the ceiling and panting heavily.   
“That. Was. Fantastic.” She finally said in a breathless voice.  
He turned on his side so he could face her, bringing his other arm up so that he could trail his fingers over her abdomen. “I’m glad you enjoyed it.”  
“We should make it a point to do this quite often,” she admitted with passion still in her eyes.   
“Doll, I will gladly do this with you day after day, year after year. Whenever you want, I’m all yours,” he promised in a very serious tone.  
“That’s a very big commitment there, Bucky.”  
“I know.” She could barely hold his gaze from the intensity of it.   
They remained silent for a long time, enjoying the peace that came with the other’s presence. Bucky was so glad to be moving forward with her once again. Their fight had terrified him that he might have lost her completely, and he knew now that he wouldn’t let that happen again. He had to make sure she knew how important to him she was.  
“I love you, Y/N” he finally had the courage to whisper in her ear.  
She gave him such a fond look. “I love you too.”  
A little while later, as they ate cereal together at her kitchen table, she asked him, “What would you like to do today?”  
“About that… Steve convinced Tony to get some good Mets tickets for a few of us. Do you wanna go?”  
“Is this something you want to do, or something you’re doing out of obligation?” she wanted to verify before saying she’d go.  
“No, you know I really enjoy baseball. I want to go, and I thought it would be especially fun if you were there too,” he said, but his tone was uncertain, afraid Y/N wouldn’t want to go.  
“Okay, I’d love to go with you then,” she said as she got up from the table and carried their empty bowls to the sink. “Who all is going to be there?”  
“Just Wanda, Vision, Sam, and Steve… oh and possibly whatever women Sam and Steve choose to bring.”  
“Are those two ever going to settle down?” she joked.  
“Steve? Eventually. Sam? Never,” Bucky answered with certainty. “Oh, I forgot to ask you how the editing of Meg’s book is going.”  
She leaned back against the counter after drying off her hands. “Pretty great actually. She’s such an amazing writer that I hardly have to make her change much. We should be able to publish it sooner than expected.”  
He moved in front of her, placing his palms on the counter on either side of her. “That’s wonderful, doll,” he said as he placed a loving kiss on her forehead.  
As Y/N went off to her bedroom to dress for a baseball game, Bucky browsed her record collection. “Do you own any music other than Pink Floyd?” he asked loudly.  
“Of course not!” she shouted from her room.   
“I mean, don’t get me wrong, Pink Floyd is great. You’ve definitely opened my eyes to that,” he assured her, “but it can be a little depressing. What do you listen to when you need some cheering up?”  
“Pink Floyd,” she answered simply as she returned to the living room. He shook his head and laughed at her stubbornness.  
“Ready?” he queried while admiring how beautiful she looked with her hair braided under a baseball cap.   
“Yup,” she confirmed while slipping on those sneakers that looked like they should have been thrown out five years ago.  
They met the others at the ballpark entrance, and the guys decided to grab concessions while Y/N and Wanda found their seats. Bucky knew that the two women had been getting on quite well, and he hoped they could become great friends. When he, Sam, Steve, and Vision reached their seats just as the game was starting, Y/N’s eyes grew wide at the amount of food and drinks they carried in their arms.   
“Steve and I got a little carried away with all the choices,” Bucky admitted with a blush.  
“Planning on sharing any of that with me?” she jested with an adorable smirk on her face.  
“Of course, my lady.” He handed over a squashed looking hot dog and a half-empty beer, saying, “An elegant meal for a classy gal.”  
She snorted, said, “You honor me, Sergeant,” and then pretended to swoon.  
They settled into the game after that, not talking much but cheering along with the rest of the crowd. Bucky realized as he sat with his arm around her shoulders that this was what a normal life was like. He had found normalcy and happiness with her, and he no longer thought of himself as a broken man. He certainly still had loads of issues to sort through; he still hadn’t talked to the rest of the team about his depression. But things were going so well, and for the first time, Bucky didn’t feel like the good in his life had an expiration date. He had hope for his future, for his future with the Avengers and for his future with Y/N.  
After the game ended and they all exited the stadium as a group, Sam said to Bucky, “We’re going to the usual bar. You guys coming?”  
Bucky didn’t hesitate before answering, “No, I think we’re just gonna head back to her place. I kind of hate bars.”  
Sam looked surprised. “Since when?”  
“Since always, really,” Bucky responded with a shrug.  
“Just make sure you’re back at the compound by 6 AM, Buck. We have that mission tomorrow,” Steve chimed in, giving his friend an understanding look.  
“I’ll be there,” Bucky assured them as he and Y/N waved goodbye to their friends.  
Once they were alone on the sidewalk, Y/N turned to him with such a fierce look of pride in her eyes.  
“That was great Bucky,” she said with genuine delight in her voice. Bucky thought her being proud of him might have been one of the greatest feelings in the world, right next to her loving him and them making love together.


	13. Running over the same old ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. This chapter sort of got away from me. It's twice the length of all the others. I'm really proud of this story so far, and I have to admit that I enjoy writing this one more than The Wonder of You. I will be incredibly sad when this little story is complete. Bucky is my love, and I can't live without him, so I will have to come up with another Bucky x reader fic to write after this one. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy this long chapter, and please please please leave me some comments. I have one very loyal commenter, LaufeyLele, but I never hear much feedback from any of my other readers. And I really really want to hear feedback from all of you. Anyways..... Enjoy! Much love x

You were going to a birthday party, yours to be specific, for the first time in five years. You had never made a huge deal of your birthday for most of your life, and in most recent years, your birthdays were always the same as any other Game of Thrones and wine night with Meg. This year, though, Bucky insisted on throwing you a small party at the compound. Meg was coming with you, of course, and Bucky promised that nobody other than the Avengers would be there.  
“So, everything’s good between the two of you now,” Meg asked from the passenger seat of your car, “no more fights?”  
“Well I won’t say we don’t bicker, but nothing like what happened last month. We communicate a lot better now, and I can see that he’s really trying to be more open with his friends. It’s been really nice.”  
“Your friends now too, right?”  
“Yeah, we get on really well, especially Wanda and I.”  
“Just don’t go replacing me,” Meg scolded.  
“I could never,” you assured her with a smile.  
“It’s still crazy to me that you’re dating the Winter Soldier.”  
“Please don’t call him that, and yeah it’s still a little crazy for me too… but also completely natural. It’s hard to explain or to even sort out in my own head sometimes. Like, somehow our relationship is simultaneously the most complicated and the easiest thing in the world. We’re both a little fucked up, so we both have to constantly work on our own problems and support each other in that work, but then because we’re both fucked up, we have this incredible connection. I don’t know. Is that…?”  
“Fucked up? Probably a little, but who cares. You make each other happy, and that’s all that matters.”  
You nodded your head in agreement. “How about you, Meg? Any new guys?” You asked as you parked your car at the compound.  
“I saw this one guy for two dates, and then he ghosted me.”  
“Ouch, what a dick,” you said as you opened the door and stepped out of your car.  
“I hope you’re not referring to me, doll,” Bucky said from behind you.  
“No, if she were talking about yours, she would have said, ‘oh wow! What a dick!” Meg teased, as she walked around the car. You snickered as Bucky instantly turned bright red.  
He turned to you, looking a little panicked and muttered, “Please tell me you don’t really tell her about my dick.”  
You saw Steve and Wanda standing in the doorway to the compound, motioning for the three of you to come inside. “Don’t worry, I only tell her the good stuff,” you said as you patted his shoulder and walked away from him toward Steve and Wanda.  
“Wait… there’s bad stuff?” Bucky interrogated in a very concerned and embarrassed voice. You and Meg were giggling uncontrollably at his expense by that point.  
“What have you to done to poor Buck?” Steve asked once you reached him. “His face is the shade of a tomato.” You shrugged, taking pity on Bucky and deciding not to embarrass him any further.  
The group of you entered the common area, and you were greeted by an obscene amount cheesy birthday party decorations throughout the room. It was way over the top, but you loved it all the same because you knew Bucky had done all this to make you feel really special.  
“Wow, Bucky, this is wonderful. Thank you,” you said softly as you placed a quick kiss on his lips.  
“It wasn’t all me. Steve helped a ton.”  
You turned to Steve, “Thank you, Steve, but you’re not getting a kiss.”  
He blushed a bit as he scratched the back of his head and said, “Uh… that’s all right.”  
“Wow, Captain America’s bashful too?” Meg quipped.  
“Not when he’s at the bar with Sam. They’ll both chat up dames until their faces are blue,” Bucky said. Meg raised her eyebrow and smirked a little at the thought. This was her first time officially meeting any of the Avengers other than Bucky, and you thought her eye might be taking special notice of Bucky’s bashful best friend. You saw them as a good match if Meg decided to go for it.  
Bucky directed you to the kitchen counter where there were at least ten types of pizza. You grabbed a few slices alongside him, and once everyone had grabbed a plate, you all lounged around the couch, chatting animatedly. Later, Bucky brought out a beautifully iced cake, thankfully with no candles because he knew you hated that whole tradition. They did all sing to you though, Tony singing the loudest because, well, that’s just Tony.  
Finally, Wanda exclaimed, “Time for presents!”  
“What? I told you all not to get me anything!”  
“Yeah, but nobody ever actually means that when they say it,” Tony explained.  
“I do!” You said with a laugh.  
“Barnes, you’re up first. It’s only the first time you’ve ever exchanged presents, so no pressure… better be good,” Meg absolutely loved giving your boyfriend a hard time.  
He opened up a cabinet where all your presents had apparently been hiding and pulled out a wrapped package that was suspiciously shaped like a vinyl.  
“That better be Pink Floyd, Bucky,” you teased.  
His smile crinkled his eyes as he handed the gift over to you. You slowly unwrapped it to reveal a vinyl of Taylor Swift’s 1989 album. “For cheering up, remember?” He was laughing as he said it, so you knew he knew the gift was a little ridiculous, but you still didn’t want to hurt his feelings.  
As you gave him a tight hug you said, “Thanks Bucky.”  
He kissed your forehead and mumbled, “You’re gonna listen to that, and you’re gonna like it.”  
You giggled. “Sure thing, Sergeant.”  
Everyone else took turns giving you their gifts; even Meg managed to smuggle a gift in her purse. All the gifts were simple, yet thoughtful, and you felt so spoiled by the end of it. The night seemed to be endless, Clint and Natasha bringing out the alcohol soon after the gifts. You made sure to mingle with everyone, appreciating that they had all made sure to be here for you. You noticed Meg spending a lot of the evening chatting with Steve, and you hoped there might be something there other than Meg’s infatuation with Captain America. It would be nice to do double dates.  
At nearly eleven, you finished up a conversation with Bruce and looked around to find that Bucky had disappeared. You didn’t want to put a damper on the party, so you snuck out to the hallway quietly, trying to locate where he had gone off to. When you came to the door of his room, you heard shouting and loud banging noises. You immediately became concerned and tried to open the door, but it was locked. You banged your fist on it, shouting, “Bucky, what’s going on?! Let me in!”  
The noise ceased, and you stood there breathing heavily for five long seconds before the door flew open. Bucky stood there looking an absolute wreck. His hair was pulled out of its bun, and you could see tear stains on his face. Behind him, you could see the smashed glass of a beer bottle and a broken chair. Before saying another word, you stepped forward quickly and wrapped your arms around him.  
You ran your fingers through his hair in an effort to soothe him. “I don’t know what’s wrong, Bucky, but I promise you it will be okay. I’m here for you. Tell me what’s wrong.”  
“I don’t… I don’t know how to explain it…”  
You shut the door behind you, making sure nobody would stumble upon this private conversation. You led him to the bed, both of you sitting on the edge with your arms still around him. “Okay, talk through it slowly,” you encouraged. “What are you feeling right now?”  
“I’m angry,” he finally admitted.  
“At who?”  
He was silent for a very long time, long enough for you to wrack your brain for a better way to approach this, then he said, “At myself.”  
You were still just as confused as you had been the moment he opened the door. “Why are you angry with yourself?”  
He took a very deep breath, looking away from you. “Because I’m not happy.”  
You felt yourself panicking inside. Surely, he didn’t mean he wasn’t happy with you? But you knew that mental illness was more complicated than that. You had to ask more questions before you just assumed he wasn’t fulfilled by your relationship.  
“You’re not happy tonight… or in general?”  
“I was happy tonight. I was so happy when I gave you your gift, but once everyone started drinking and chatting and you wondered off, I stood to the side and just shut down. I just felt so disconnected and unreal, like a ghost again. I panicked because that’s the first time I’ve really felt that way since we made up after our fight. Everything has been so good with us and with Steve. I’m so happy all the time, and then, suddenly, I’m miserable all over again at your birthday party of all places, and I have no explanation for it. It’s like I had finally escaped it and then ended up running back over the same ground. I’ve gone in a circle or something, like those damn goatfish. Why can’t I just be happy always?” he finished with a perplexed look on his face as more tears shed.  
“Bucky, nobody is ever happy all the time, even people with perfect lives. There are ups and downs, and that’s just part of life. Yeah, the downs hit you a bit harder than most, but it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you.”  
“But if I could learn how to stop it, how to stop these mood swings, I could be happy all the time for you instead of ruining your party.”  
“This. Isn’t. Your. Fault. Do you hear me?” You gently grabbed his chin and forced him to look at you. “There is no reason to be angry at yourself just because you got a little melancholy back there. You can’t control your emotions, but you can certainly control how you react to them.”  
You let the silence hang in the air for a moment, making sure your words sunk into his stubborn head. “Next time you’re feeling this way, please, please talk to me or Steve. Don’t go off alone and rampage. You’ll end up hurting yourself, Bucky. If I’m not with you, you can always call me, no matter the time of day.”  
“I just didn’t want to ruin the party…”  
“Bucky, I care about you far more than I care about my stupid birthday. I love you. You know that.” You gave him a fierce kiss then, and he hungrily reciprocated. You lay back on the bed together, but before things could get too heated, there was a knock at the door.  
“Um, Y/N, I hate to interrupt, but you’re Meg’s ride home.”  
You walked over and opened the door, saying, “Shit, I completely forgot we rode here together.” Meg was standing next to Steve; they both saw the trashed state of the room behind you and shared a knowing look with each other. You knew they probably assumed you and Bucky had just had a round of wild sex.  
“It’s not what you’re thinking, you perverts. Umm, Steve, you should talk to Bucky for a moment. Meg, will you speak with me in the hallway?”  
“What’s up?” Meg queried once Steve had entered Bucky’s room and closed the door.  
“I don’t want to put you in a bad place, but Bucky really needs me to be here with him tonight. He’s going through a rough time.”  
“He didn’t get angry with you, did he?” she worried, obviously thinking about the broken objects in his bedroom.  
“No, definitely not. He trashed his room before I even found him. He was a crying mess when I got him to open the door. He would never lay a hand me, though. I promise you that, Meg.”  
“Okay, I just had to make sure. I wouldn’t be a good friend if I didn’t.”  
“Yeah, I understand. I was wondering, though, if you’d be okay with Steve taking you home. If not, I can drive you and come back.”  
“Are you kidding? I’d love to get some alone time with that hunk,” she assured you with a smirk.  
You laughed at your ridiculous friend. “Okay, great. I’ll just go and ask him, then.”  
When you returned to the room, you could tell that Bucky had explained to Steve what had happened because the man wasn’t nearly as joyful as he had been before. He agreed to drive Meg home without hesitation, and you said your goodbyes. Finally, you and Bucky were alone again. He wrapped his strong arms around you as you stood in the same spot where he had stood crying thirty minutes earlier. He began to place lingering kisses along your jawline, then down your neck. He slowly stripped you down to your underwear and then pulled you to his bed.  
“You do make me happy, you know. Please don’t doubt that,” he said as he held you so tenderly.  
“I’ll never doubt the pure joy that is this relationship Bucky, I promise.”  
As he moved above you, he repeated a mantra of “God, I love you so much, doll.”


	14. And how we found the same old fears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All I can say about this chapter is brace yourself. It was very intense to write, but I'm very proud of how it turned out. We only have one chapter left after this one, and I'm getting a little teared up just thinking about this story being over. I have loved every minute of writing it, and it will always be my baby since it was the first MCU fic I ever wrote. As a celebration of this story, I'd love it if all my readers could leave a comment telling me their favorite moment so far. Let me know what drew you into the story and what kept you reading. I plan to write more Bucky/reader fics in the future, and it would be great to know what parts of Bucky's or reader's character you cherished the most when reading this story. Much love x

“Today’s the day,” you said between breaths.  
“What day?” asked Bucky, jogging beside you, straining far less than you were.  
“I’m submitting Meg’s final draft for publishing. The book’s done,” you explained with a smile.  
“Wow, that’s incredible Y/N. I’m so proud of both of you. Make sure to tell Meg I said ‘congrats.”  
“Yeah, course. How’s therapy been going? I’m glad you finally decided to go.”  
“It’s been… difficult to adjust to… telling all my feelings to a stranger and all that… but I think it’s helping. I’ve scheduled a meeting with the whole team tomorrow. I’m gonna tell them all what’s been going on with me… finally.”  
“That’s fantastic, Bucky. Do you want me to be there?” you wanted to give Bucky his space but also remind him that he had your full support anytime he needed it.  
“No, you have work. And Steve’s going to be there to coach me through the whole thing,” he looked over at you, smiling to reassure you that he would be okay without you there. “I’ll call you right after, though.”  
“Sounds great, my love,” you let out, still panting heavily from the jogging. The two of you came to the meadow once again. Your meadow. This place would forever remind you of blissful moments spent lying in the grass with the charming Bucky Barnes. Every flirtation in the flowers, every secret in the train tracks, every daydream in the bright blue sky, every possibility in the distant tree line; it was all here, and it was all with him.  
“Shall we sit?” he asked, gesturing to your usual spot in the field. As you both collapsed on the grass, he intertwined your fingers with his metal ones and leaned in to give you a tantalizing kiss on the lips.  
“You know,” said Bucky, “I don’t think we’ve ever really talked about this.” He held his metal hand up, demonstrating what he was referring to.  
“Do you want to talk about it?”  
“I’m just wondering if it bothers you at all…”  
“That your arm is metal? Of course not. I’m sad for you that you were hurt and that Hydra made you think of your metal arm as a weapon. But it’s a part of you Bucky. I love it just as much as the rest of you.”  
“It doesn’t make you uncomfortable when I touch you with it? You don’t prefer my flesh hand?”  
You pulled his metal hand over to your lips and peppered gentle kisses across it. “Does it seem like I do?”  
He gave you a reverent look. “Do you want to know about that day?”  
“The day you fell? Only if you feel like telling me.”  
“Steve was there, reaching his hand out, but he couldn’t grab hold of me in time. He still feels guilty about it; I can see it when he looks at me sometimes. He thinks he’s responsible for all my suffering because he didn’t come back for me. It’s not his fault he thought I was dead; it’s a damn shock I wasn’t.”  
“Do you remember much after the fall?”  
“I remember wishing I was dead. I remember the pain I felt in my shoulder, a pain that never really went away until Shuri healed me in Wakanda.”  
“I’d like to go to Wakanda someday,” you stated, trying to lighten the mood.  
“God, it’s so stunning there. We should go some time. Shuri will give me a proper lecture for not visiting since I left.”  
“Can we?” you said giddily.  
“Yeah, we’ll make plans for it. I promise, doll.”  
You leaned into him, giving him a grateful kiss, which quickly turned passionate. It wasn’t long before Bucky was pulling you over to straddle him while he kissed you senseless. When both his palms slid down to grip your ass, you finally detached your lips from his.  
“Bucky… here? Really?” you gave him a scolding look.  
He simply shrugged, not embarrassed at all. “You know nobody ever comes through here.”  
You wanted to give in to his seductive smile, but you thought of another objection. “I have work, Bucky. I can’t spend all day rolling around in the grass with you.”  
“I don’t need all day, doll. I’ll be quick, and I promise I’ll make it worth your while.”  
God, he was real smooth when he wanted to be.  
“You’re insatiable, Sarge.”  
“So sue me,” he said before pulling your face back down to reunite with his and grinding his hips up against yours.  
Two days later, you were at work scheduling signing appearances for Meg’s book.  
“A book tour during the holidays will be perfect, I promise,” you said to her over the phone. “Books always make the best presents, especially when they’re signed by the author.”  
“Okay, you’re right. I’ll just have to work something out for the bookstore on those dates.”  
“At least you won’t be having to travel too much since we’re keeping the tour restricted to the New England states.”  
“Very true. I’m so glad I had my best friend guiding me through this experience.”  
“Me too, Meg. I’m just sorry I won’t be going on the tour with you.”  
“I know, but I totally understand. You’re an editor, used to being behind a computer all day, hardly speaking to anyone. A book tour would be completely out of your comfort zone.”  
“Yeah, I just feel like a shit friend, though.”  
“You’re not, I promise, Y/N.” As she was speaking, you heard a beep from your phone signaling that another call was coming through.  
“Hey Meg, I’ve got to get off. Steve’s calling me for some reason.”  
“Steve? Tell him I said ‘hi.’ Will ya?”  
“Sure, Meg,” you said with a smirk before switching the line over.  
“Hi, Steve. What’s going on?”  
“Y/N,” his voice sounded grim, “we just got back from a mission, and there was an accident.”  
Your heart dropped out of your chest. This couldn’t be happening. “Is he…?”  
“He’s alive but in critical condition. We have the best doctors here at the compound, you know that. They’ll do their best, but I called as soon as I could because I know he would want you to be here.”  
You were already typing a quick email to your boss and throwing all your things in your purse. “What exactly happened, Steve?” you demanded in a panicked voice.  
“He was shot three times in the abdomen. He’s in surgery now.”  
You wanted to scream. “I’ll be there as quickly as I can.” You didn’t wait for a response before hanging up, practically running out of the building to your car. Once you shut the door, you did scream, a furious, mangled cry at the top of your lungs. Bucky was hurt. Damn it, he was always hurt. He was lovely and kind and gentle and charming and funny and sexy and good, but the world always hurt him one way or another. He didn’t fucking deserve it; you knew that for a fact.  
As you drove toward the compound, you tried not to think about how you might lose him, about how the other morning in the meadow might have been a goodbye for good. You had met this man only four months ago, but you could no longer imagine your life without him. Your world would always be better with Bucky Barnes in it, and damn any being that was trying to take that away from you right now. You willed yourself not to cry, knowing the tears would impair your driving. You felt the anxiety attack creeping up, but you couldn’t let it overcome you. You had to keep driving, had to get to Bucky as soon as possible.  
Counting techniques had worked in easing your anxiety in the past. You started counting all the things you loved about Bucky. One: his steel-blue eyes. Two: his luscious hair. Three: his crooked grin. Four: his scruffy face. Five: his charm. Six: his shyness. Seven: his honesty. Eight: his bravery. Nine: his strength. Ten: his arm. Eleven: his friendship with Steve. Twelve: his old-timey habits. Thirteen: his love of baseball. Fourteen: his love of Taylor Swift music. Fifteen: his love of goats. Sixteen: his wonderful mind. Seventeen: his heroism. Eighteen: his playfulness. Nineteen: the way he looks in a suit. Twenty: the way he looks at you.  
And you were at the compound, parking your car, running through the entrance, flying toward the medical bay, searching for the man you loved with your entire being.  
“He’s out of surgery, but not awake yet.” You finally noticed Steve sitting in a chair in what must be the waiting room for the med area. You collapsed on the floor then, your anxiety attack finally overtaking you.  
Steve got up from his chair, rushing over to comfort you. You sobbed loudly into his shoulder. He eventually got you up off the floor and led you to a chair. Other members of the team stopped by periodically to see if Bucky had awakened yet. They tried to talk to you in an attempt to cheer you up a bit, but you couldn’t say a word. You couldn’t speak until you knew for certain your Bucky would be okay.  
Finally, a doctor came out. “He’s awake. He’s asking for Y/N. I assume that’s you,” she said nodding your way. You followed after her as quickly as you could.  
“I knew you’d be here,” he said as you entered the room. His voice was weak and he looked so fragile in that bed.  
“Oh, Bucky…” you whispered, more tears spilling from your eyes as you made your way over to him.  
“I knew you’d be waiting for me. It must be miserable, huh? Always waiting for a punk like me?”  
You sat on the edge of his bed, leaned forward and gave him a fierce kiss. “I’ll wait for you always, Bucky, but please don’t make me do this very often; it nearly kills me. I can’t exist without knowing you’re still here, existing with me.”  
He ran his fingers through your hair, soothing away your stress. “It’s okay, doll. I’m fine now. I’m gonna be fine.”


	15. Wish You Were Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. I can't believe this story is finished. Thank you to all my readers who have been here since I first published chapter one. I love and appreciate you all so much. I can only hope that this ending feels satisfying. Furthermore, I hope that new readers will still discover this story in the future and still find it enjoyable while being able to consume it all at once in its completion. I can promise you there will be more Bucky/reader from me in the future, although I can't give a specific date. For now, I will focus on The Wonder of You. Enjoy this last chapter! Much love x

“I wish you were here.”  
“Bucky, I’ll be there in like two hours. I’ll make it in time for the party. I promise.”  
Bucky sighed. “That’s not soon enough. I’ve missed you so much this week.”  
“I know, I’ve missed you too, but you’ll be seeing plenty of me tonight.” He heard the loud noises of an airport terminal in the background. “How are your wounds doing?”  
“They’re completely healed, I swear.”  
“Bucky,” she admonished, “you were saying that before they even discharged you from med bay.”  
“Yeah, but I mean it this time. It’s been two months; I think if these wounds were going to kill me, they would have done it by now. I doubt I’ll even scar, doll.”  
“I’ll be inspecting those abs of yours tonight, and if you are lying about being fully healed, I’ll be truly mad.”  
“Please, tell me more about this inspection…” he said huskily.  
“In your dreams, Sarge,” she said with a little sass. Bucky chuckled to himself. “Look, I’ve gotta go. I’m about to board my flight. I’ll see you soon, my love.”  
“Can’t wait. I love you. Be safe.”

Y/N had been gone for an entire week visiting her mother for the holidays. She was only a short plane ride away, but Bucky felt so lonely without her here. It was one week before Christmas, and Tony was hosting a holiday party. Bucky felt a little nervous because this was the first time he and Y/N would be attending one of these fancy events together. There would be many people there that Bucky wouldn’t even know, not just a cozy party with only the Avengers in attendance.  
What made him even fussier, though, was imagining the way Y/N would look in a fancy evening gown. She would outshine everyone in the room, and he would look like a shmuck standing next to her. He carefully trimmed his beard, going for that short scruffy look that Y/N always said she loved. He spent what felt like hours fussing over his long hair, finally deciding to tie the top half up in a bun, hoping it looked elegant rather than ridiculous. Finally, he began to dress in his all-black suit, which Sam had helped him pick out, saying that it matched his soul.  
Y/N would be cutting it close for the party. Her flight was supposed to land thirty minutes before guests were due to arrive. Bucky had suggested she come straight to the compound, Wanda offering to help her get ready, and then he would pick her up from Wanda’s quarters when she was done.  
As he fidgeted with the cuffs on his suit, Steve knocked once on his bedroom door and then entered without prompting. “You clean up nice, Buck.”  
“Thanks. You too, pal.”  
Steve was dressed in a sky blue suit, just as bright as Bucky’s was dark. He sat down in Bucky’s lounge chair. “Why do you look so nervous? Is Y/N not coming?”  
“No, she is… that’s part of why I’m nervous. This just feels like a big deal for us. I don’t really enjoy these fancy parties, but this is the first one we’re doing together, and I want to show her that I can enjoy it if she’s there with me.”  
“And what’s the other reason you’re nervous?”  
“Do you think she’ll like the way I look? I mean, she’s seen me in a suit once before, but nothing this fancy.”  
Steve laughed at his finicky friend. “Buck, she looks at you like Michelangelo sculpted you himself. I don’t think you have to worry about making a good impression.”  
Bucky blushed a little. “Right, thanks… still talking to her friend Meg?”  
“Yeah, she’s out of state for her book right now. Otherwise, I would have invited her to come tonight.”  
“Things going well, then?”  
Steve smiled to himself, clearly thinking about some moment he had shared with Meg. “I think so.”  
The two friends chatted a bit more over glasses of whiskey before Bucky eventually received a text from Y/N saying she was ready and waiting in Wanda’s room.  
“I’ll see you at the party, Steve,” Bucky said as they parted ways. His palms felt a little sweaty, and his face was eternally warm. As he stood in front of Wanda’s door, he took a few breaths to collect himself before knocking. But it was suddenly opening before he had even knocked.  
There she was, more breath-taking than Bucky could have possibly imagined. Her hair was in some sort of intricate braid, draped over her left shoulder. She wore a long, flowy, Christmas-red dress with very thin straps. As she pulled him in for a hug and his hand met soft flesh, he realized that the dress covered very little of her back. It would be extremely hard to keep his hands off of her for the next few hours.  
“Wow,” she said in a gentle voice, “you look so handsome.”  
“And you look absolutely divine, doll,” he replied, still holding her close and starring into her lovely eyes.  
“Can’t you just take a compliment without having to one-up me?” she teased him.  
“You know I can’t. Plus, I’m only telling you the truth.”  
She rolled her eyes.  
“Ready?” he asked with his arm held out for her.  
“Certainly, kind sir,” she answered as she took it.

Bucky had been correct in suspecting he wouldn’t know many of the guests at the party. He and Y/N tried to gravitate toward the other Avengers members as much as possible, and when that failed, they loitered at the bar. The party lounge, which Tony had had professionally decorated, glimmered in silver, white, and blue. Of all the fancy-schmancy parties to attend with Y/N, he was glad it had been the holiday one. Bucky was secretly a sucker for the holiday spirit. There was just something about this time of year that made love feel more prominent than ever. It was a very hopeful time of year, and Bucky held onto that abundance of hope all that he could. Not that he really needed it all that much anymore, Y/N gave him new hope every day, but it was still always nice to have extra hope lying around.  
Y/N was drinking champagne, and Bucky wondered what she might be celebrating. Perhaps the holidays, or his good health, or six months since they first met, or their plans for the next few weeks. He couldn’t be sure what had her in such an elated mood, but he was just lucky to be of witness to it.  
At some point, Tony found them at the bar. “When are you two flying out?”  
“Tomorrow morning,” Bucky said, “which means this one doesn’t need to give herself a hangover.” He was giving her a knowing look.  
“Me? I never get hangovers,” she answered with a giggle, and Bucky could tell she was already a little drunk.  
“Sure you don’t…”  
“Well,” Tony announced, “give Shuri a message for me, will you? Tell her to stop responding with memes when I send her serious tech questions.”  
“I don’t think anybody tells Shuri what to do, not even T’Challa,” Steve said in all seriousness as he walked up behind Tony and slapped a hand on his shoulder.  
Sam was walking over to the bar as well. “You guys talking about the trip? Looking forward to it?”  
“Definitely!” Y/N beamed. “I finally get to see Bucky’s goat farm with my own eyes!”  
Everyone laughed.  
“We are not going to the goat farm,” he said sternly.  
“Yes we are,” she sing-songed. “You can’t go back to Wakanda without seeing your goats again.”  
“They’re not my goats. We’ve been over this.”  
“Whatever you say, Bucky.” But she was smirking at him, so he knew she was too tipsy to see reason on the subject.  
“When will you two lovebirds be returning?” Tony queried.  
“A week after New Year’s,” said Bucky.  
“Man, it’s gonna get real chilly around here without the Winter Smolder lurking in the halls,” Sam said, giving Bucky a hard time as usual.  
“Sam Wilson, if you don’t stop calling him that I will shove this champagne flute up your ass,” Y/N hissed at the man. The group all laughed once again as Sam’s eyes grew very large. Bucky assured Sam that she didn’t really mean it, and Y/N simply giggled yet again.  
“Okay… maybe we should get you to bed, doll. You’ve had too many of those.”  
He tried pulling her gently away from the group, but she wasn’t budging. “Wait, Bucky, there’s something I want to ask you.”  
“Umm, did you want to talk in private?” he said while taking note of just how many people were standing around them at the bar now.  
“No. Here’s fine.”  
God, he hoped she wasn’t so tipsy that she would say something incredibly embarrassing in front of all their friends.  
“Okay, uh, ask away, I guess.”  
It was as if she had sobered up in an instant before his eyes. She gave him the most endearing look and said, “When we get back from Wakanda, will you move in with me?”  
Bucky was a little speechless. He really hadn’t been expecting that question. They were in love, certainly. They knew each other very well, sure. Bucky wanted her in his life always, of course. But did he ever think she’d want to deal with him at all day every day on a permanent basis? Definitely not.  
“Wait, are you even allowed to live off the compound and still be an Avenger? I hadn’t really considered that. Was this a stupid thing to ask of you?”  
Bucky looked around nervously, wishing that they had, in fact, had this conversation in private. “No, I’m not required to live on the compound.”  
“Oh,” she said quietly, looking more unsure as the seconds ticked by. “Will you, then? Move in with me?”  
He sighed, telling his brain to ignore the awkwardness of saying this in front of his close friends. “Doll, I can’t imagine why anyone would want to put up with me 24/7, especially someone as sweet and wonderful as you, but if you’re sure that that’s what you really want, then, yes, I’ll move in with you. It would be my pleasure to annoy and frustrate you at all hours of the day, Y/N.”  
They met for a passionate kiss, and Bucky was vaguely aware of some clapping in the background. Once their lips separated, Y/N said in a very loud whisper, “Don’t worry, I know the perfect way to handle you when you’re being annoying.”  
Bucky’s cheeks flamed. “Okay! That’s enough. We’re going to bed.”  
There was some hooting and whistling as they made their way out of the party lounge and back to Bucky’s quarters. He removed her heels and helped her out of her dress. As he scooped her up and laid her softly on his bed, she mumbled to him, “I considered asking you to marry me, but I thought that might be too forward.”  
He smiled fondly at the woman next to him. His girlfriend. His love. She was so honestly herself all the time, never ashamed of anything when it came to their relationship. He adored her so much it sometimes made his brain hurt. Every moment with her was heaven. After all this time, Bucky could tell the difference: his life was heaven, decidedly not hell.  
“Maybe a bit too forward, yeah.” He brushed a few hairs out of her face. “Besides, why don’t you leave that question for me to ask?”  
“Fine,” she pouted, “just don’t wait too long, Sargeant.”  
He kissed the pout off her lips and spent the night holding her close, not getting much sleep before their early flight.


End file.
